Remember those wind-up toys we had as kids? You would wind the key and set them down and they would do whatever strange behavior they had been designed to do (a set up chattering false teeth comes to mind). They could flip upside down or run into a wall and it made no difference — they would keep on doing the behavior until they wound down,
Recently I have been reminded of this as I watch my clients repeat behavior that clearly isn’t getting them anywhere (ok, I know I do it, too). They get “wound up” and the very same words and actions come out of them, regardless of whether they are having an impact that’s anywhere near what they want to. You can’t interrupt or stop them — once they start “going off” they continue until they just run out of steam.
Why do people do this? I think there is something “numbing” about that behavior — it has become so automatic it overrides and drowns out any emotion, any attempt to actually process input from the situation currently going on. Perhaps they perceive that the behavior “works” — or at least gets them an outcome that they perceive as less hurtful than what might happen if they tried another approach or just let whatever is happening continue.
Sometimes it turns out that, somewhere in the past, they tried doing what came naturally or made sense. Unfortunately, they got a reaction from someone that made them decide “ok, it’s useless to really engage and try to work through the situation”. Maybe they were ignored, or criticized, or punished…but they certainly didn’t get the reaction they wanted. Somehow they stumbled into some behavior that at least helped them FEEL better — and that is the behavior they fall into under the same kind of stress.
Some clients yell. Some withdraw. Some become overly compliant. Others begin reciting everything they are good at or have done well. (Sometimes I am reminded of the scene in The Wizard of Oz when the “great and powerful Oz” is shooting flames and loudly exclaiming….trying to cover up for the fact that Oz is really some doctor from Kansas).
What is your “wind up” behavior? Here’s a clue — how do you answer the question “what is the behavior you HAVE to do to be heard/paid attention to/appreciated?” If you don’t know, ask someone close to you to describe the behavior you do over and over — where you resist hearing that you might be able to get what you want better by trying a different approach.
So…wind up toys have no choice. Their repetitive behavior is all they are programmed to do. We as humans get to change…if we are willing to be who we really are.
